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Would Your Aunt Prefer A New Kitten Or A Christmas Shirt?
by LongmanSex on Friday, September 21, 2012
Time marches us down the dark corridor to our demise. Along the way to our death sentence, an insane prison brute named "Christmas Time" beats the ever-loving-heck out of us every time we pass him with a giant candy cane made out of pure anxiety. Of course, he's giggling while he does it and saying "Tis the season!" the entire time.
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I've learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
Once this secret was discovered, I went nuts with joy. I don't have to think about what I'm buying these insane people at all any more. I can pretty much just buy these Christmas tees at random, because all of the tees that I've bought have been big hits. All I have to do is get on the Internet, buy Christmas shirts for the insane asylum we call my family, and I'm practically done by Thanksgiving.
Take it from a certified Christmas genius: you just can't go wrong with the perfect combination of Christmas t-shirts and women with dogs, kids, cats, or all three. If people followed my advice, there would be about 1,000 fewer fatal stabbings during the Holiday season.
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I've learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
Once this secret was discovered, I went nuts with joy. I don't have to think about what I'm buying these insane people at all any more. I can pretty much just buy these Christmas tees at random, because all of the tees that I've bought have been big hits. All I have to do is get on the Internet, buy Christmas shirts for the insane asylum we call my family, and I'm practically done by Thanksgiving.
Take it from a certified Christmas genius: you just can't go wrong with the perfect combination of Christmas t-shirts and women with dogs, kids, cats, or all three. If people followed my advice, there would be about 1,000 fewer fatal stabbings during the Holiday season.
About the Author:
If you need to know more about hilarious Christmas apparel check out Christmas family t-shirts for a great example.
